down the rabbit hole

I had three conversations with different people today all referencing being down in the rabbit hole. (alice in wonderland is a personal favorite)

For your reading pleasure, please read Chapter 1 of Lewis Carroll's Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

thinking of my friend.

The road you are on may seem lonely today as you come to grips with the reality of your life. There will be days of joy. days of freedom. days of despair. days of getting by. days of staying in.
I cannot tell you that each day will be easier because five may be great and seven next will be terrifying. But you are not alone. You are never alone. You have great strength.

oh dear.

i heard today that life had changed for you as it has for me

i wonder if you are happy or sad or frightened or feeling free

i think you know that i have hurt you and you have so deeply hurt me

but regardless of any hurt or pain that you or i have caused

you are in my deepest prayers as your life changes fast

i see the destruction all around me in the hearts and lives of many

i ask God what is this mess where did it start and where is its rest

why give us love for even a time if only to rip it away

why does it work for so many but for many cannot stay one day

have i done something wrong or traveled the wrong avenue

for this lofty love goal which I sought

i only hope it is different for you and you feel free or calm not distraught

i know for me that this road will be long--lacking clarity or sense of direction

but it is grace that we seek and strength that we need no matter our actual situation

for god will provide for both you and me and all those who walk down this journey

patience

I am finding it really hard to sit back and wait in a life situation. Several actually. I deeply desire to continue my methodical, planned life, but God has other plans. Life right now is a jumble of change and it is requiring new ways of thinking in so many ways.

Patience is not something that fits well into my Type A personality. I have struggled with patience my entire life. In my early years, it took the form of hellacious tantrums imposed upon my parents, siblings, teachers, and any other authority figures that might accidentally got stuck in my path. The tantrums have changed their implementation, but my difficulty with patience has not particularly changed. I still find it very difficult to control my impulse to need something (information, answers, love, attention), right now.

I am drawn to the character from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Veruca Salt. (The original movie or the book, not the scary Tim Burton version) While her character is more spoiled than I think I have been (though I have been blessed with amazingly generous parents), it is her impulsiveness and her inability to wait for what she wants are the traits for which I find myself relating to immensely. These, unfortunately, become her undoing.

My impatience shows itself in my huffs, in my battery of questions, in my absolute desire for immediate answers, my inability to say no when at target :-). There are few ways in which I have improved. I have improved my patience with my kids this year. I have spent a lot of time making a conscious effort to allow them to learn in their own time and to see each of their journey's time as their own and not necessarily as a reflection of me. I have also tried to explicitly model this with my kids this year. To share with them how it is ok to take time to learn, to take their own time and not compare themselves to others in the process. Oh, that darn comparison to others, it gets us every time. This is not to say that my kids aren't eventually expected to get it right at some point, but taking a bit more time has led to a much greater understanding for them.

But what about all the other stuff? How do I remain patient in a world of turmoil? I have been asking God to show me what I am missing. In my impatience and impulsiveness, what am I failing to see? What about me is causing this distress? But God speaks in whispers and I know that I must be patient enough to slow down and quiet my mind in order to hear.

a bit of a rant...excuse me.

Yes, I am a music teacher.
No, I am not a pianist.
Yes, singing is music and it is difficult.
Yes, music education is more than sitting behind a piano and plunking out notes while kids attempt to sing along.

I am a teacher. Well-rounded, employing multi-modal methods which allow diverse learning styles to access music. My students make music, read music, watch music, talk about it, write about it, dance creatively to it, compose it, and enjoy it.

To be told I am anything less than a "real" educator, is offensive.

(Thank you for reading...I'm done ranting now.)

long slow road

driving down the road, splish splash of the wipers
the pouring of the cold rain a direct companion to my hot wet tears
the road ahead is long
today if feels as though it will be the slowest road ever driven

the rain has stopped
the tears do not stop they simple collect
the road ahead is long
i will not travel alone but i will not travel with the most important one

perhaps the tears will stop tomorrow
if not by resolution than perhaps by requirement
the road ahead is long
and the world around me does not stop because i want it to

pure joy

Last weekend at the MMEA convention, I had the pleasure of working with 90 fifth graders from across the state. They came together to sing as a demonstration chorus for the convention. They were from diverse backgrounds, financially, socially, and racially. They started the day with their classmates in rows but were quickly shuffled. They rehearsed and rehearsed, tackling some really difficult music. They worked really hard.

The most amazing moment day came not during rehearsal but from our lunch break. A group of students started playing a game with their teacher. It was a catchy singing game and their group quickly grew from five or so to half of our chorus. By the time our second break was finishing up, the circle contained all of our kids. No ipods, no magazines, no fooling around. Just the simple, pure joy of kids playing a music game. It made me believe the power of music that becomes cliche so much of the time. It also reminded me that you don't need anything but yourself and perhaps a friend or two to have fun.