honesty

I've blogged about her before but Sara Groves just has the amazing ability to reach into my brain, heart, and soul and articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. I've been marinading on the topic of honesty/integrity lately. Particularly when it comes to personal relationships, but also in all of the areas of my life. Sara's song, "Honesty" speaks to me, particularly verse 2.

here in the corner
where we craft our pain
here in the open we're laying our blame
laying our blame

In times of pain, like this one, how often I find myself cowering in a corner. Despite all evidence to the contrary, given that I speak to my family and friends repeatedly every day, I still find myself alone with this pain. Not sure how to get a grip with the continual whirlwind of emotions that I have now.

I am guilty of laying blame even in the open. I am sure it is a defense mechanism. It is positively my way of trying to find some kind of reason and it almost always manifests itself in my "outer monologue". I don't think I'm unique in this, it is human nature to try to blame others for our own pain. However, I really hope for every moment that I articulate the fault of others, that I at first admit my own contributions for failures or pain.

Human emotion is amazing to me. Just when you think you have felt the deepest pain or the greatest height of happiness, something unfolds and you reach a new level. I thought I would not feel sadness such as this ever again.

I have gone through many stages with God these last few months. I have certainly had many moments of asking Why God? I don't understand how I could have fallen so out of favor that this is my punishment. I'm not really asking that anymore. Now, slowly, I'm trying to be grateful to God. This pain forces me to be honest with myself; to be aware of my own honesty. I feel like God is guiding me to realize how I have not been honest with myself about things. How I have tried to accept mediocrity or hurt or ignorance for the sake of keeping things a certain way.

His plans are bigger than mine, His are better than I could ever understand. If I am honest with myself, I will realize that this is not a time for pain, but rather a time for gratefulness. Alas, I fear being a girl with big emotions muddles my mind from God more often than I would like to admit.

Sara ends her song with "only the truth and truthfulness can save us" I feel as though I must keep that at the forefront of my mind now and in the days to come. Truthfulness with others, but also with myself. When I find myself in the corner crafting my own pain will I have the ability to trust in the grace of God and focus away from the pain and on the joy of Him? Oh, I pray so.

But as for that in the good soil, these are the ones who, when they hear the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patient endurance.--Luke 8:15