Romans 8

I have spent a lot of time recently ruminating on several passages that I'm finding provide inspiration and comfort. Isaiah 40:31 is having a frightening irony between me and my dear friend recently, but it is Romans 8:26-39 that has sat with me for the last three months or so. See below, from NRSV, italics mine.

26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. 27 And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. 28 We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

29 For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn within a large family. ^F50 30 And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.

31 What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? 32 He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else? 33 Who will bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. 34 Who is to condemn? It is Christ Jesus, who died, yes, who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who indeed intercedes for us. 35 Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will hardship, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all day long; we are accounted as sheep to be slaughtered." 37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I have spent most of my time thinking about the end of this passage, verse 38 and 39. A daily reminder that nothing, absolutely nothing, in the mind of Paul and many believers, can separate us from the love of God. When I was a kid, my Mom had a tape of a Christian band that had a great song called "Nothing Separates Us". I think I played this tape into the ground in my college years and at some point, alas, lost it. But I can still hear the melody rotating through my mind as a pulsating reminder that NOTHING separates us from the LOVE of God.

But in church on Sunday, I was reminded of the earlier part of this passage about the interceding of the spirit. I am moved by the poetic language of "with sighs too deep for words". The Holy Spirit intercedes in our weakness with a great sigh that cannot be expressed in human form. I am led to a vision of a spirit in exasperation, like a parent tying their child's shoes for the millionth time. A spirit that will intercede for us, that will do for us as we cannot, even when we should be able to. The spirit almost saying, "don't you get this yet" but simultaneously holding us closer than we can imagine and loving us within our weakness.

I imagine I exasperate God on a regular basis. Just as I exasperate my friends and family with my ever-present roller coaster of emotions and unresolved flaws. But, just as my dearest friends and family, God does not stop loving me, or any of us. We are loved as we were created, within God's own plan for each of us. A heavy thought, as we spend minutes, hours, and days trying to change ourselves, fix ourselves, improve ourselves in some sort of selfish attempt to please everyone.

My sighs tend to be too deep for words lately. But I suppose they are just another thing that the spirit picks up and returns to me. A lift from above that is not asked for and does not seek reward. Such as love.

--Grateful.

to the depth of my soul.

this pain does not ache temporarily, it is consistent
it may be placed complacently on a shelf for a few hours,
but it is hurt to the depth of my soul.

will there be no respite from this nightmare of time,
the supposed lapsed time of which everyone speaks,
the it will be ok eventually talk.

finding the blessings of right now seems few and far between,
a momentary glimpse of joy squashed by brief communicae
a hurricane of turmoil from the depth of my soul.

Thriving at Thirty

All day on Thursday I couldn't get rid of the movie line from "13 Going on 30" -- "I want to be 30, I want to be 30, flirty, and thriving." I kept saying it to everyone, just as a bit of a joke. I certainly don't want to be flirty. I just don't think that is my personality, but thriving. Oh yes, please. I want to begin or sustain a life in which, like the Kaiser commercial featuring Allison Janney, I thrive.

I'm glad to be 30. The 20's have been such a roller coaster and while I know that the next year or so will continue to be a great dance of limbo, I'm have to believe that the 30's will bring some kind of tranquility. An ability to go beyond childish experimentation and self-definition and movement towards self-refinement and strength. I want to actually be healthy and active, rather than living on the periphery of activity. I want to really explore what I can to do serve others for that is when I feel the most happy. I want to thrive.

I woke up this morning feeling completely unmotivated to get out of bed early to go to 8am church. After a day that included 13 miles in the humid morning and 5 hours with the nieces extraordinaire in Baltimore, I was tuckered out, didn't sleep well and felt no interest to hustle before I went to work at 11. So instead of worshiping at my lovely Episcopal church, I had "pajama church". This equals me in pajamas and Joel Osteen's sermon program. I take Mr. Osteen's message with a grain of Episcopalian salt. He is a prosperity preacher in a mega church, but his message is Bible-based and inspiring. Each week he gives a 30 minute message (which I podcast) that generally talks about how we can succeed in anything with the help of the Lord.

How appropriate that today his message was, "Thriving, not Surviving". He gave biblical examples, such as Abraham, of how we thrive when we put our complete trust and faith in God despite all odds. I have spent a lot of the last six months in "survival" mode, or at least, my version of it. By no means am I "surviving" in the way that most people would think; I have abundant blessings too numerous to mention. But, I haven't really been moving forward. I have felt like I have had to put life on "hold" while I sort out and deal with loss and confusion. What I took from the message today was not about action, it was about mind set. If I keep telling myself that "life is over" or "I can't move forward", I will certainly stay in a mode that is stagnant. If I stay in a mode of "why me", I will not be able to look to all of the good things that God has given me to thrive.

If I want to thrive, it is simply a matter of mind. I need to remind myself, daily, minute-by-minute, each second, that God is in control. I could lose everything material but still be whole. I may feel broken or stuck in survival mode, but if I put complete trust in God's plan, I will thrive.

"For those who wait upon the Lord will rise up on the wings of eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Those who wait upon the Lord will run and not be weary. This is how I paraphrase this verse. This stands out to me right now about the power of thriving under the wings of God. I know that if I put my hope in God's purpose, that I will not fail, I will be whole.

Holy Oly.

So this past Saturday I completed my first Olympic distance tri. I realize that this is not a huge accomplishment in the scheme of athletics, but it was one of those things that took me a while to tackle. I have never done "Columbia" because I am fearful of the distance and the intensity of it all so I was happy to find Diamond in the Rough in July on the schedule. Why I chose a race with "challenging and technical bike course" is beyond me, but I figured it would be ok.

I came into the race feeling under-trained. With two weeks away from the pool and a mile swim ahead of me, I wasn't sure how I would handle the water. I had finished the Columbia bike course twice since returning from NJ and I didn't think running would be an issue. So I packed it all up on Saturday morning and headed up to Perryville, on the Susquehanna River.

Surveying the scene it appeared that the water was going to be quite calm and then came the announcement, "the water temperature is 82 degrees therefore no wetsuits will be allowed" Darn! I'm not particularly fazed by open water but a wet suit just adds that little bit of buoyancy that is really nice. Alas, I went on preparing transition and getting ready for the race.

Swim:
All the women went off together in the last wave. I positioned myself in about the third row back to as to try to place the really fast ladies ahead of me but not to get stuck by the unsure swimmers. I think this was a good position. The water was warm but not so much it was uncomfortable. I think training at the CSC in its warm water has been good for my prep for summer open waters. I struggled to get into a good rhythm because just as I felt like I was alternating well, I would run into someone's feet. As I reached the first and subsequent buoys I was surprised at how comfortable I felt. I tried not to look at my watch, but I knew that my time wasn't as slow as I thought, which was good. I did zone out a bit between the second and fourth buoys. I think that this comes from not doing race practice. But soon enough, there I was swimming towards the last buoy and the steps to finish. I reached the ladder and then the two flights of stairs (ick) up to the path to transition. I was pleased that the swim plus the steps and the run down the path ended up being about a half an hour, 29:03! (118/378)

T1-Fine. No problems. Really think the new "tri top" was a good choice. It saved me probably 20 seconds on transition not having to change or add to my clothes except for socks. 1:34

Bike:
I was so afraid. I know that I'm not strong on the bike. Everyone knows that, but I had hope that my cadence practice in NJ and my last minute Columbia practice would help a little. I think it did help, a little. But 27 miles is still 27 miles. I wasn't sure what to expect, so as I went through the flat windy start, I finagled into my gloves (to try to reduce ulnar nerve tension) and caught my breath. It wasn't more than a few yards before the passing began. I realized I was in a slow gear so I picked up my cadence, clicked into my big ring and started to pedal. The rolling hills were more up than down but there was a bit of "flat" comparable to parts of Homewood from Jumpers Hill to FQMS. I felt like I was in a good gear with a pretty decent cadence but I still just kept getting passed and passed. It was frustrating. I saw the sign ahead "caution/slow" and they weren't kidding. It was a sharp L turn to a very steep descent, I actually used both sets of brakes to come around the corner and witnessed an ambulance helping one crashed rider and three others sitting on the side of the road fixing various problems. Yikes. Happy to slow down and cross a bridge only to have another ascent, ick. Around mile 19 there was a nice flat patch along the river, I found myself having ADD and my mind wandered. I think I was definitely in a ride rather than race mentality. But, all of that changed when I turned the corner and there it was...mile 22...the mile long 7% grade climb. On the scale of Tour de France like climbs, this was a baby hill, but in my world, it was the longest hardest climb I have ever encountered. So down into the granny gear I went and just kept turning the pedals. It plateaued deceptively only to turn and continue up and up and up. When it finally eased up it was good to know that four miles remained. The hills continued to roll and then finally a return to the winding road to transition. I believe my exact words at the dismount were, "oh, my butt is so happy." 27 miles done. I had anticipated at least two hours for the course, so I was very pleased to come in at 1:47 (15 mph). Almost the slowest bike ride of the entire field, but for me, a very good job.

T2: 1:11, pretty good. I would like to get it down to a minute or less, but I did some extra tightening of the shoes.

Run:
The run course was a 5 mile out and back. It was not as "flat" as advertised and it was completely sunlit, but I knew it would be attainable. I had been really disappointed by the pace at my last race and wanted to keep consistent. A typical 5 mile race would be sub-8 but given the heat and my leg fatigue from the bike, I knew I would be hoofing. Finally though, a chance for me to pass some people. Not many (this was a very qualified field) but still, an ego boost just the same. Reaching the turn around I was noticing that my overall time was looking in the 2:50-3hr range and I was shocked. I had anticipated 3:30-4:00 for the race, so I was really excited and think that it gave me motivation to pick up the pace. I kept thinking I was near the end, trying to recall landmarks from the out course, but it just kept going. The heat radiated off of the path and straight up to my head. The last few water stops were more about cooling off my body temp. than hydrating. Finally, there it was the big red finish line, up a hill, of course. (run 41:14) And the finish of my first Oly...3:00:38

I can safely say that I left all of my energy on the course. I may not be the fastest triathlete, the strongest, or the best prepared, but I definitely felt like this race was a positive experience. I am not tremendously disappointed with my finish. I don't have anything particularly profound to reflect upon from this race. But I report just the same....

Happy Racing, Dear Reader.

learning.

"What ever is good to know is hard to learn"

This is a quote that I found on a random coffee mug at Target as I made my way to "Teacher Camp." I have now had a few days to recover from camp and re-engage in reality and I think this particular quote is a bit of a metaphor for life right now. While I pride myself on being a "life-long learner", I feel now more than ever I am in the midst of an intense period learning and for sure it is hard. The lessons are unclear, not particularly easily resolved, and certainly not quick.

Learning about life, learning about love, learning about work, learning about friendship, learning about exercise, learning about change, learning about loss. And in the midst of it all, knowing that God is at the center. This is not to make God the scapegoat for anything negative; I'm not in a "blame God" phase of life. I am grateful to God for this learning. It doesn't mean I enjoy it, asked for it, want it, or don't constantly look for ways to "fix it". But in the end, I relinquish control of it and rather seek to find the learning in it all.

Sheryl (Crow that is...) expresses this well in two of the songs on her latest album, Detours. I can't remember if I have written this before, but I suggest "God Bless this Mess" and "Detours". They kind of speak to what I'm feeling and thinking about this whole "learning" thing.

I keep very busy. I sometimes think I stay busy to avoid embracing all that God has put before me. I desperately wish for retreat to quiet my mind and calm my soul. Though, I do fear what I may learn should I take them time to do so. Either way, God is in the center be it frenetic or placid. And God is always good.

go chicks.

250+ women toed the start line this morning at the annual HCS Women's Distance Festival. I have run this race before but took a hiatus last year. I hit the race with both my RP and mom to celebrate our strength and health. This race, like others recently, again had a family atmosphere that gave me great joy. Mothers and daughters celebrating healthy living through running and Fathers and Grandfathers cheering on.

FRP (fabulous running partner) and I started off well, not particularly conservative (6:37 first mile) but maintained a great pace through mile 2. The humidity was really frustrating but we persevered. Somewhere between 2 and 3 I moved ahead staying to the edge of the route to assure for no extra steps. At about 2.6 I was passed by the same nice mom who always passes me around that point and followed her stride up through to the very good finish (22:16, v. pleased). (I did actually finish ahead of her 12 year old, for once) FRP followed quickly thereafter in a fantastic time. Mom PR'd and looked quite strong in her last half mile.

I was so happy to be among strong women. During packet pickup a gentleman told me in no uncertain terms that he thought it was unfair to have a women's only race. He wasn't kidding, he had a real problem with the "gender exclusivity" of it. Seriously?! I'm not going to get on a feminist soap box or anything, but I hope that as he watched his wife and daughter today (he did) that perhaps he saw the value in bringing together women of all shapes, sizes, ages, ethnicities to do something as simple as running. As my Mom reminded me, "we weren't allowed to do this when I was in school". I believe that as the amazing girls and women ran today, we kicked that notion to the curb.

Go chicks.

Thou shalt not...

STEAL.

I woke up this morning excited about coffee and the first stage of the Tour. Alas, that joy faded quickly when I opened my patio blinds to see that my patio furniture (a nice gift from Mom) had been stolen. I had become yet another victim of the rash of thefts happening in my neighborhood. I then proceeded to miss the first half hour of the tour as I made my report with the HC police.

It is not really the loss of the furniture that upsets me. It was lovely and a gift and not something that I will be able to replace. But, it is the fact that theft has been so prominent lately in this area. Several break-in's and even an armed robbery have occurred in the last two months. I guess I should feel happy that it was just my outdoor furniture.

It shakes my comfort. It makes me paranoid that every time I descend the steps to my apartment that I will find the door cracked and my possessions missing. This then leads me to feel twinges of guilt for actually placing important value on material things. But if I spend too much time dwelling on it, I realize that I am also fearful for safety on some level. If our neighborhood is subject to thievery, what's to say that worse things won't come next?

For now, I will thank God for the blessings that remain and continued safety. I will also check and re-check my locks, every time. And pray that these thieves come to realize their errors and seek forgiveness and redemption.

Be safe, dear reader.

home.

I am so glad to be home. The last two weeks have been very tense and the source of a lot of stress, learning, and exhaustion. But at the same time, I must return to the reality of all I left. It was a little overwhelming yesterday, but I'm guessing that has something to do with the fact that Tuesday night only yielded two hours of sleep (I had to finish creating the camp movie and we didn't get back from Broadway until 1:30...so finishing th e movie until 4:30am was the way it was.)

I feel like I need some sort of re-entry period to get back into the routine, but I also wish there were things that I could have just left somewhere along the NJ Turnpike. Feelings, frustrations, sadness....but they had to come back with me, or rather, awaited my return.

Time to find balance. Time to find out what home really means...