lightswitch.

i wish there were a way to turn off the lightswitch.
i think there must be something in me that prevents me from flipping things on an off.
i can't seem to turn off the lights on anything and i am tremendously worried the fuse will blow.
there are days when i think that secret off switch is something that everyone else knows the code to, but i was sick the day the gave it out.

but do i want to be one of those people that can flip on and off like that?
do i want to be able to just let go without pondering?
will i be anything without my consistent festering of pain?
do i envy them or loathe them?

oh little lightswitch. you and i have had a relationship for a long time. i know you need a rest, but not today. today we stay on. i will try not to let you burn out. hold on for me.

not my A game.

I did not bring my A game to my students today. I have a sinus infection and was not under antibiotic care until after school today. We don't have the ability to get subs very easily at our school so most of the time I just don't even bother. But today, I did not give my students my best, for that I feel quite sad and apologetic.

Being sick sucks no matter who you are or what you do. As a music teacher, it is what I would like to call "double sucky" for the following reasons....

1. Breathing is important in general, but also fairly important when singing.
2. Playing the recorder without being able to breathe is really really funny. It is basically self-asphyxiation.
3. When you have a concert in two weeks, there just ain't no way to show Veggie Tales or Fantasia.
4. When all you want to do is crawl under your desk and sleep, it is pretty tough to feel motivated to sing anything about birds, spring, or mother goose.
5. When all kinds of things are flowing through your ear canals, there is no possible way you can be a good judge of pitch.

However, here is what was great about being at school today.....

1. Finding an absolutely hysterical short film that was applicable to Fourth Grade and their song, Dr. Foster.
2. Playing recorder really badly helped my third graders realize that teachers are human too and make a lot of mistakes.
3. Having a fourth grader stop by after school to tell me, "I hope your cold gets better really soon."
4. Showing my kids that sometimes we work, even when we can't bring our A game. And that I love them so much that I would rather be with them (and spread my germs!) than send in a DH.
5. COOKIES from NK's mom compliments of my good buddy JO.

I realize that advocating going to work with a sinus infection is particularly the best public health choice. What's a girl to do?

I did not bring my A game and for that I sit here beating myself up and wondering if I should try to get a sub (not possible). I wonder if others feel bad about having a bad day at work? I remember when I worked in a cubicle it never fazed me if I slacked off a day. But with 205 bright eyes and sweet voices coming to me and looking to me for leadership each week, I can't help but feel the weight of the world in my hands. I owe them a home run as soon as I get better.

Take care dear reader. If you are in Maryland...stay dry!

honesty

I've blogged about her before but Sara Groves just has the amazing ability to reach into my brain, heart, and soul and articulate what I'm thinking and feeling. I've been marinading on the topic of honesty/integrity lately. Particularly when it comes to personal relationships, but also in all of the areas of my life. Sara's song, "Honesty" speaks to me, particularly verse 2.

here in the corner
where we craft our pain
here in the open we're laying our blame
laying our blame

In times of pain, like this one, how often I find myself cowering in a corner. Despite all evidence to the contrary, given that I speak to my family and friends repeatedly every day, I still find myself alone with this pain. Not sure how to get a grip with the continual whirlwind of emotions that I have now.

I am guilty of laying blame even in the open. I am sure it is a defense mechanism. It is positively my way of trying to find some kind of reason and it almost always manifests itself in my "outer monologue". I don't think I'm unique in this, it is human nature to try to blame others for our own pain. However, I really hope for every moment that I articulate the fault of others, that I at first admit my own contributions for failures or pain.

Human emotion is amazing to me. Just when you think you have felt the deepest pain or the greatest height of happiness, something unfolds and you reach a new level. I thought I would not feel sadness such as this ever again.

I have gone through many stages with God these last few months. I have certainly had many moments of asking Why God? I don't understand how I could have fallen so out of favor that this is my punishment. I'm not really asking that anymore. Now, slowly, I'm trying to be grateful to God. This pain forces me to be honest with myself; to be aware of my own honesty. I feel like God is guiding me to realize how I have not been honest with myself about things. How I have tried to accept mediocrity or hurt or ignorance for the sake of keeping things a certain way.

His plans are bigger than mine, His are better than I could ever understand. If I am honest with myself, I will realize that this is not a time for pain, but rather a time for gratefulness. Alas, I fear being a girl with big emotions muddles my mind from God more often than I would like to admit.

Sara ends her song with "only the truth and truthfulness can save us" I feel as though I must keep that at the forefront of my mind now and in the days to come. Truthfulness with others, but also with myself. When I find myself in the corner crafting my own pain will I have the ability to trust in the grace of God and focus away from the pain and on the joy of Him? Oh, I pray so.

But as for that in the good soil, these are the ones who, when they hear the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patient endurance.--Luke 8:15

thundering serenade

I love so many things about my new apartment. It is a haven in the midst of turmoil. The view of bright green nature out my window is calming.

However, i live less than a half mile from Merriweather Post Pavillion. Therefore, i can hear each and every note of big concerts. Tonight, oh dear reader, is Megadeath. The thundering music began at about 5 and will go until 11.

I will be serenaded this summer by the likes of Duran Duran, Steve Miller Band, R.E.M, Death Cab for Cutie, Allison Krauss, and Iron Maiden, amongst others....Alas, my heart breaks that the biggest concert I would actually care to see, Sheryl Crow, falls when I will be at Claggett.

When I was a kid in Beaverbrook, we could occasionally hear the bass from our deck. So I suppose some of this feeling is nostalgia from my great childhood. But alas, I could do without Megadeath.....

Hope you get some sleep dear reader.

quotes of the day

Today's quotes deal with the precepts of Faith, Hope, and Love.

Hold faithfulness and sincerity as first principles.

Confucius (551 BC - 479 BC), The Confucian Analects

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up.

Anne Lamott

For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.

Rainer Maria Rilke (1875 - 1926)

learning to love big blue

Big Blue is my bike. She is a two-year old Cannondale Synapse (kind of like this... only blue) with shimano ultegra components and lovely pink tape on the handlebars. Yes, I think of her as a person, or at least something that is living and breathing.

Big Blue and I have a love-hate relationship. Learning to ride her made me feel inadequate, fat, slow, and frustrated me to no end. The fact that I didn't love her and feel successful on her right away caused a lot of friction and broke some important relationships. This makes me sad...read on....

But here I am, starting late into a new season and trying to make up for lost time. I have put about fifty miles on my bike in six days (which is really good for me and definitely good considering I have also put in a mile in the pool and about fifteen miles of running). I actually feel really good about riding this year. I think that it was a matter of just being ready.

In Godly Play we ask the children, "are you ready to begin." In my classroom I often ask the children, "are you ready to do your best." I think it is the same way with Big Blue. I had to be ready to ride her. I had to be ready to ride on my own terms and for my own fitness or pleasure. I didn't want to be compared to how good everyone else is. I just wanted to learn; I still want to learn. I wasn't ready then. I'm ready now and I love Big Blue.

Happy Riding.

in my dreams...

I am watching the replay of the Boston Marathon on Versus. I'm so glad I clicked on when I did because I was able to watch both the women's and men's finish. The women's finish was down to the wire with the lead two women going back and forth even in the last 600m.

Robert Cheryiout, however, is another story. He was almost two full minutes ahead of the next fastest man. While he didn't beat his own record, he did win his fourth Boston in a row and passed all but four of the elite women (who started thirty minutes ahead of the elite men). Whew......

Now the replay is following Lance....who did meet his goal of finishing in 2:50. Don't get me wrong, I decided a last October that I was going to bury my hatchet against Lance, but....let me also point out that his talented, faithful, and beautiful ex-wife Kristin also kicked some Boston butt...she finished in 3:59. Not her PR, but who cares...its BOSTON.

17 minutes. That is what I have to take off my PR to get to Boston. I had to laugh in my most tired moments at the store this weekend when I told a gal it was 27. She corrected my arithmetic and in turn, boosted my spirits. Knowing that since my 3:57 in 2006 just happened to be an amazing day which has yet to be repeated reminds me that I have a lot of work to do this summer.

Ah, dreams of Hopkinton to Boston....Heartbreak Hill and the Citgo sign. Some day....

Enjoy your miles this week, dear reader.

rain reminders

Today it is raining. In fact, it has been raining since yesterday; though it did stop raining long enough for a very tough 10k. The weather-folk of channel 4 say that there might be 2 inches of rain before it stops. Rain is a funny thing. I can't say that I particularly love it, but today it is ok. We do not have school today and I have enjoyed a day of leisure mixed with work. I have done some reading, some writing, some grocery shopping, some laundry, and will do some cooking in a while.

Part of me is sad that I can't ride my bicycle or run today, but on the other hand, I did both this weekend and the rain is my reminder that rest is ok. Life is so hectic, working, studying, teaching, training, cleaning, thinking....the rain limits my options, which is good. Sometimes I find myself so full of choices or so bogged down by the planner that I stress more than is necessary. This rainy day has provided me a reminder that taking a time to refresh is natural, it is part of the cycle of life. God refreshes and nourishes our earth with rain, just as we must take the time to refresh and nourish our minds and bodies by rest.

Rain, rain, beautiful rain.

best compliment ever.

Overheard in the "girls loo" at school today....probably a third grader....

"I wish we could have music five days a week."

The gal probably didn't know that I was there, but I did say thank you. This was the best compliment I have heard all year and probably in the top five of all time.

Kids rock.

reconnecting in the digital age

I recently joined Facebook in attempts to connect with old and new friends, but at the same time deleted my MySpace in hopes of maintaining some kind of balance in my digital connections.

Today, thanks to connecting via Facebook, I had "linner/dunch" with my two dear friends from high school. It had been 8/10 years since I had seen either of them and seeing them was an absolute joy. It seemed as if no time had passed between us and it was generally delightful to reconnect.

Now, three hours later, I sit here pondering the adage of "friends for a season" and its relativity in the digital age. If we are truly connected through our various formats-social networking, wiki's, IM, etc...is it really possible to "lose track"? In the three weeks since I have joined up with the fb gang, I have found 86 friends. Some old, some recent, some tried and true. The most fascinating thing about it all is that none of these "lost connections" were a result of some tragic break up of friendship, rather simply just a change of season.

Will friends for a season be something slowly goes by the way side as we continue to connect? I do not seek to answer this question. Only to wonder.....

Peace.

good job little one.

A big shout out to my little sister. She is so smart and giving. It is because of these traits that she has been awarded the HIGHEST honor for service to the engineering community given to a graduating senior in all of the engineering department at Temple University.

So not only is she graduating with a degree in Civil Engineering in a few short weeks, she gets to address her entire graduating class and us, her proud and not-so-humble about her awesomeness, family!

Civil Engineering world, look out, a special gal is entering your world in May. Be ready to be rocked.

Way to Go Little One!

big grey cat

A big grey cat is sitting on my lap.
He is very very fat.
He comes from Maryville, Mo.
In fall of 97 we brought him home.
With my 'rents he now abides
But he visits from time to time
Today he sits as I type without a single care
Two weeks he will be with me
My small apt. we'll share
Allergic to my big grey cat alas I have become
But for two weeks 'twill be ok because he gives great love.

different sense of pride

Yesterday was a banner day at my PT job selling awesome running shoes. It was the busiest Saturday I have seen since starting the job. I feel like we made a lot of people really happy yesterday and I was pretty proud that I worked two families at a time at one point.

As much as working a 9 hour day on my "day off" from school is tough on my energy, I'm so happy working this job. It challenges my brain in a new way as I diagnose the feet, gait, and needs of our customers. It is a steep learning curve as I learn the ins-and-outs of all of the intricacies of shoes. It provides both a momentary diversion from life and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I love that this shop serves the community. I love the community both of runners and of the average Jane's and Joe's that come in for their first pair. It is awesome.

Yesterday in the shop we had a nice chat with a gentleman who had the pleasure of working for Mr. Rouse. I think the environment in the shop yesterday was a great example of Mr. Rouse's vision for Columbia. All walks of life, coming together to a small business to obtain their needs. Shopkeepers who are knowledgeable, friendly, and who take the time to serve the community. I hope that had he been there in the shop with us yesterday, he would have been proud.

empty.

I didn't know how to express my current feelings, so I sought out and found the best description through Edna St. Vincent Millay. Thank you Ms. Millay, for providing words for me today.

Ebb

by Edna St. Vincent Millay

I know what my heart is like

Since your love died:

It is like a hollow ledge

Holding a little pool

Left there by the tide,

A little tepid pool,

Drying inward from the edge.